I would like to make the argument for an identity crisis actually being a gift, although it might not feel like it at the time. An identity crisis usually turns out to be a useful disturbance that forces you to reflect on what really matters to you.
I’ve been really greedy with identity crisis', I’ve had about 3 already! My first was at 30 when I thought I needed to ‘grow up’. My second was a few years later having rejected ‘growing-up’, divorcing, and now having to process the suffering I had caused other people (and myself). And more laterly doing the hard work of unbecoming the me I created in favour of a commitment to being who I really am.
A midlife crisis by one definition is a growing awareness that you are about as far away from who you really are as you ever want to be. It is a growing awareness of the masks you wear and the defence mechanisms you employ. It might also be a growing awareness that the choices you have made have been for other people, a construct you bought into, or simply because you were good at something.
Who you are to some extent is wrapped up in the various identities you have created for yourself. A midlife crisis is a questioning of these identities. It is a questioning of what happened to you, who you became, who you are, and who you want to be.
We have a whole host of sub-personalities that inform our identity. We are a different person with our parents, our friends, our partner, our work colleagues etc. Our identity is formed relative to relationships, and we make distinctions for these such as brother, mother, engineer, boss, vegetarian, cyclist and so on. They are helpful descriptions but not the full picture of a person.
At the ego level of our identity (the outer layer of the human onion, and the part of us we prefer the world to see), we develop personalities ultimately designed to defend us. This is more akin to forming patterns of behaviour and habits than an accurate description of who we are.
Maybe we are all of these things and maybe none of them, and does it really matter?
A more useful line of questioning might be to ask whether the various identities you have for yourself are serving you or getting in the way? And what identities would you like to have? What identities might serve you better?
An identity crisis is much more a crisis of attachment. You are attached to what a particular identity means to you by way of things like security, status, attention, being needed, recognition.
Midlife crises, and the identities that go with it, can be concerned with loss. As our bodies, and what we can do with them changes, we begin to grieve for that which we are losing. You may even fight harder to hang on to it. You become more attached and probably suffer for it.
In any change transition, if you can accept the conditions of your new reality, you have a chance to let go of your self-constructed perceptions of who you are or should be, and the demands and entitlements that go with them.
This can be liberating and filled with possibility. In the act of acceptance and letting go, you are freed up to be in the moment and open to potential.
These are the conditions that create the possibility of living in a future pulled present, rather than a past-informed future. They are opportunities to let go of ways of being that aren’t working for you, or aren’t available anymore, and to build some more hopeful ones.
It often appears that the circumstances of your life are the cause of how you feel. You can easily blame circumstance (such as age), for shaking the foundations of your identity. In reality it is an inside-out job. You decide the meaning you attach to any given experience.
This is a powerful concept to reflect on. Much of our human suffering is related to the gap between how we believe life should be, and how it actually is.
Identity plays a role in engineering your expectations.
What might letting go of parts of your identity allow you to create space for in the future?
Who would you be, if you were not your past?
What future identities would you like to create?
Matt helps leaders and teams develop their mindset and resourcefulness so they can relate productively, communicate effectively, and navigate challenge, change and complexity with confidence.
Through coaching and training, he empowers leaders with better choices and more options for progress - building better leadership from the inside out.
Curious what that could look like for you or your organisation? Let’s talk.