Never has it been more necessary for leaders and management teams to be able to work through uncomfortable debate, both individually and in teams. To address the elephants in the room. The things that are obvious, yet somehow off limits and mostly avoided.
Current uncertainty and fiscal demands are forcing leaders to collaborate quickly and prioritise. Executives must get past territory battles, personality differences and competing ambitions to navigate troubled waters.
I have observed the upside of this in a few organisation I work with. Conversations with execs who are grateful that this circumstance is raising the level of communication between them. It gets me thinking about how most of us actually want more honest and productive conversations and yet, when they include tension, we tend to avoid them.
If I were granted three magic leadership wishes, one of those wishes would be for leaders to embrace tension. To recognise that tension is important, necessary and valuable.
I want to make the case for feeling the tension. For actively noticing it, looking for it, engaging with it, and embracing it.
Life, including work, is the ongoing experience of a series of relationships. Everything is in relationship. Without relationship you have no life! You are in a relationship with all the people and things that are the moments of your dance across the planet.
Tension is part of the glue that holds everything together. There are other forces that hold things together like purpose, values and beliefs. But even those forces are intertwined with tension. Perhaps tension is the dark matter of our social success.
Think about the dynamic of romantic attachment. I bet you recognise the glue of tension that we sometimes refer to as passion. If you’re anything like me you want to be challenged by your partner. Part of the attraction is that they hold up the mirror to your various behaviours, and you theirs. We test each other's behaviour, temporarily fall out, and then repair the rupture.
There would be no tension if it [the relationship], or they didn’t matter to you. Often relationships that are devoid of conflict fail because the parties lose connection. Every romcom, drama and romance knows this tension matters. Hollywood banks on it.
It extends beyond romance. I went to see Top Gun Maverick this week. It was thoroughly entertaining from start to finish, partly because it held tension throughout. Tension between the known and unknown. Tension between life and death. Tension between the ambition of individuals and the requirements of the team mission. Tension between trusting the data and trusting intuition. Tension between not enough time to prepare and an impending deadline.
Does any of this sound familiar?
The tension is represented by people with differing perspectives, preferences and agendas. If you can recognise the tension for its role in exploring various possibilities, and the agitation required to get to the best solution (or even a better question), you can work with it.
As a coach, it is my experience that breakthroughs happen when I am brave and lean into the tension. That moment where I become aware of the gap between what is being said and what is really going on, and I kindly enquire into it. The person I’m coaching recognises it and respects it. It's almost like they are grateful for me noticing, or at least relieved to have the thing on the table. Now progress can be made.
There is a moment where I consider not going into the tension to protect rapport. In my experience good things almost always come from being brave and leaning in.
Reference your own experience. What has been the outcome for you when you have been brave and named the elephant in the room? Did it go horribly wrong? Or did it lead to a more realistic and productive conversation? How many times have you regretted being brave?
What matters most is how you frame the conversation. It matters that there are a set of understandings and boundaries in place for talking about difficult things. It matters that you reach agreement that a conversation is required, and to agree there is a desire for progress.
Parents know this one. When your kids overstep the mark, you correct their behaviour. Sometimes there is noise and tears. Sometimes there is anger and silence. You leave them in it for a while. Just long enough for the message to land. Some time for reflection and to cool down.
Pretty quickly you give them a cuddle. You let them know they are still loved. You move forward on a corrected course. Your child learns an important lesson that healthy relationships rupture and repair.
I coached a client through this moment in a business context a couple of weeks ago. My client's big work-on is saying what needs to be said and being OK to temporarily strain the relationship. She raised the conversation (fully prepared and with kindness). Her manager (the receiver of the message) reacted. It was a little tense for a few days.
The manager’s behaviour changed and she’s been knocking it out of the park. However, the air was still heavy. My client asked if they could revisit. She named the tension which opened an honest dialogue. They talked it through. The performance has improved and the relationship strengthened.
The trick is to not get stuck in a defended position, but rather revisit and repair the rupture. That takes more feeling the tension.
I want to push a step further and say that tension is a leadership compass. Tension lets you know where your energy and attention are required. You have an internal compass and an external compass.
The Internal Tension Compass is that gut feeling, or the worry in your head keeping you awake at night. It’s the niggle of your chatter, and the conversation you know you need to have but are avoiding.
The External Tension Compass is the repeated whispers in the kitchen and the corridor conversations with a certain candour. It’s the friction in your team, and the elephant in the room. It’s the hotspots in your business.
Read more on the tension compass in a previous article called Noise in the System.
If you need some motivation for feeling the tension and acting on it, consider what it costs you to avoid it.
Energy
Progress
Strained relationships
Confusing people
Validating unhelpful behaviour
Your credibility
Agency