A Better Way to Say No

Saying “No” to requests can be difficult for leaders. You don’t want to let others down or miss an important opportunity. You also want to turn up as credible and reliable. Like everyone else, leaders like to be liked and know that accommodating requests for their time and insight puts them in a positive light.

Unfortunately, saying “Yes” comes with a significant downside. When you say “Yes” to others, you are often saying “No” to your own priorities. To achieve your own work, goals, and vision, you must learn to say “No” more often.

To soften the negative feelings leaders believe they create when saying “No,” one highly effective strategy is to replace a “Yes” with an alternative. In conversation, this strategy sounds like this: “I can’t do that, but I can do this.”

“I can’t attend the brainstorming session, but I can review the notes and provide feedback.”

This shows you still value the ideas generated and want to contribute in a meaningful way.

“My calendar is packed this week, but I can chat over a quick call during my commute.”

This approach respects both your time and theirs by finding a small window to connect.

“I can’t join the project team, but I can mentor a team member who's working on it.”

This provides support without overcommitting.

“I can’t make the keynote speech, but we could invite my number two to deliver it.”

This still provides you with agency over what is said while supporting a colleague into a growth and profile opportunity.

“I can’t participate in the charity event, but I can make a donation and help promote it on social media.”

This still shows your support and can even amplify the event’s reach.

“I can’t review the entire document, but I can look over the executive summary and give my thoughts.”

This targets your efforts where they’re most needed.

This strategy softens the “No” by providing an alternative and a choice. This allows you to maintain control over your time. Interestingly, it is not important whether this replacement is accepted as much as it is offered.

People appreciate that a leader has been thoughtful in their reply and values their request highly enough to suggest a substitute choice. In most cases, those making the request will feel supported by the response, even if they politely decline the replacement.

The next time you need to reject a request to prioritise your own priorities, consider the “I can’t do that, but I can do this” approach. Your willingness to help or support the request in a limited way makes your rejection more palatable. In essence, it is the polite way of telling others that they matter but not more than the work you need to do.