5 Not Coping Signs You Might Be Misreading

What unhelpful behaviours do you default to when you're under pressure? Different Character Styles have different tells for not coping. The tells can be easy to miss, or perhaps more accurately described, they can be easy to misinterpret. That's because they sometimes turn up as behaviours that you find difficult and trigger a reaction in you.

Seeing other people’s difficult behaviour as their defence mechanism, rather than who they really are, gives you access to the sort of empathy and intelligence that makes leading others in stressful times more possible and productive. This approach requires that you consider their behaviour as a safety strategy.

You might think about safety strategies as the part of your ego designed to defend you. It’s a kind of psychological armour and that part of you that turns up as reactions. It can ramp up as a natural response to perceived threat. Sometimes the response is unhelpful, provoking aspects of yourself you would rather keep in check.

The more you recognise when your safety strategies have been triggered, the more control you have of managing yourself and the impact you have on others. Equally, the more you recognise other people’s safety strategies, the more flexibility you have for getting past their armour, and into productive and meaningful conversations.

Here are five safety strategies that potentially signal somebody is feeling overwhelmed. 

1. Withdrawal to the point of disconnection. Somebody who runs the patterns of this safety strategy makes themself unavailable to any conversation that might be emotionally charged. Instead, you will find them deep in technical or analytical tasks that can be carried out in isolation. Their strategy  is to avoid human contact and the tension it can bring.

2. Over-connecting. Somebody who runs the patterns of this safety strategy ditches their work in favour of being part of every conversation going. You might observe that they just spent their entire day ‘contributing’ to others while not having progressed any of their own work. Their strategy is to connect to others for comfort and protection.

3. Aggression.  Somebody who runs the patterns of this safety strategy seems to be on the offensive. They are overly dominating in the energy they bring and are reluctant to consider different points of view. They are willing to lead the charge, but others experience them as a bulldozer. Their safety strategy is all about maintaining safety through power and control. Building an impenetrable shield might be part of how they operate.

4. Beast of burden. Somebody who runs the patterns of this safety strategy takes on lots of responsibilities and becomes a beast of burden. They tirelessly go about covering all the bases and ensuring everyone else is ok, often at their own expense. However, when it all gets too much they become resentful and start leaking a bit of passive aggressive behaviour. Responsibility hoarders by another name, they seek to be needed and like the control that being a part of everything rewards them with.

   
   

5. Busy doing.  Somebody who runs the patterns of this safety strategy has gone into action overdrive. Their action will be of the physical or hands on variety. When they hit the wall, they are prone to becoming disillusioned and cynical. Having made themselves emotionally unavailable by way of being busy doing, they have now run out of drive. They may also busy themselves with tasks that don't really seem to matter, just so long as they are busy! This strategy is about physically regulating uninvited emotion.

If you can notice these behaviours for the defence mechanisms they often are, you might also find a way into important conversations about self-awareness and personal impact. Your job as a leader in this capacity is to notice rather than judge. Noticing the behaviour and enquiring about it supportively could open the doors to growth and development for both the person concerned, and your relationship with them.