Think of your ego as the outer layer of the human onion. It’s a kind of psychological armour, and that part of you that turns up as reactionary. 

It can ramp up as a natural response to perceived threat. Sometimes the response is unhelpful, provoking aspects of yourself you would rather keep in check.

The more you recognise when your ego layer has been triggered, the more control you have of managing yourself and the impact you have on others. Equally, the more you recognise other people’s patterns of defence, the more flexibility you have for getting past their armour, and into productive and meaningful conversations.

Personality psychology has accepted for some time now, that you are a mix of nature and nurture. You are influenced by both your biology and biographical history. When it comes to your patterns of defence, there is significant learnt behaviour from childhood experiences and your relationship to primary caregivers.

In this version of the personality, you put your Character Structure together to navigate the challenges of life. Your Character Structure is for your safety and success.

When viewing the world through this lens, it is useful to consider what safety strategies are in play with yourself and others.

Very simplistically, the five go-to strategies are:

1. Escaping to Thought. Disconnecting from the body (and emotion) to avoid feelings of existential threat

2. Dialling up Attractiveness. Leading with charm and connection to others, to avoid feelings of abandonment

3. Power plays. Establishing status and control to avoid feelings of distrust and manipulation

4. Assuming Responsibility. Absorbing workload and maintaining harmony to avoid feelings of judgement and humiliation

5. Making life a Competition. Driving with capability and performance to avoid feelings of failure or rejection.A clever disguise?
   

These five Safety Strategies, can be perceived by others as problematic patterns of behaviour. It’s the stuff clashes are made of. Even though the behaviour (ego defence) is a disguise for a deeper insecurity, it can turn up as something more affronting like:

1. I’m right and you’re wrong - Highly detailed and intellectually superior, while lacking emotional intelligence

2. I belong and you don’t - Dominating centre stage, while also being exclusive

3. I’m strong and you’re weak - Charismatic and decisive, with a sub-message of ‘you are either for me or against me’

4. I’m good and you’re bad - Grounded and compliant, with undertones of judgement and control

5. I win and you lose - Focused delivery of results, while appearing arrogant and elitist

If you are present to yourself and the world around you, and have some knowledge of Character Structure, it’s possible to move past clash and focus on collaboration.

It can be helpful to think about two ways of being in your Character Structure:

• Being in pattern

• Being present

When you are in pattern, an event of some nature triggers your defence armoury. To some extent you have been hijacked and revert to default patterns of behaviour.

The patterns of your personality can be a prison if they are invisible to you. With self-awareness, you can notice your own reactions, and those of others, and return to being present.

When you are present, you are in the gifts and strengths of your Character Structure. From this place you can build productive relationships and make better things happen.